ShameLESS

The things you did filled me with shame,

Tales of such horror I can’t even name.

The fear keeps me quiet, unable to speak,

But deep down inside, it’s making me weak.

It amazes me still, this power you hold,

I thought it had ended the night that I told.

I’m filled with such shame and even more guilt,

Can’t climb over the walls of blame I have built.

I can’t find the words to explain how I feel,

I only know these feelings are so very real.

(Written in 2001)

 

 

Several years ago, a former teacher/coach from high school came and did the devotion for the Christian group I was a part of in college. I don't remember most of what he said but one thing has stuck with me all these years. He mentioned shame and being ashamed and what the difference was - shame is being embarrassed or humiliated by something you did while being ashamed is being disgusted or humiliated by something you are (or believe yourself to be).

 

After being sexually abused as a child, one of my biggest struggles has been the shame I have carried. While I know the sin was entirely my grandfather's and not mine, it was my body he was attracted to and my body he acted out his desires on. I pressed charges against him when I was 21 and as I sat in the courtroom on a hot summer day, the judge read the charges out loud and in graphic legal detail. I was mortified. I had brought a friend with me for support and it took everything I had not to reach over and put my hands over her ears. I didn't want her to hear those things about me. It's hard enough living through such acts, but to have them spoken out loud for others to hear was so much worse. In the 28 years since I told about the abuse, I have only written the details down and shared them with two people. I have never spoken them aloud...I just can't make my mouth say such things.

 

Even so, all that shame has never compared to being ashamed of the instances of abuse I believed to be partly my fault. There were times that I, as a little girl, went to sit on my grandfather's lap while watching tv knowing it would result in abuse. I knew it. He would abuse me first but afterwards, would just hold me. My mom wasn't around, my dad and grandma weren't affectionate, and I was starving for positive human touch, even if it meant enduring abuse first to get it. I have beat myself up for that for more than half my life but have never spoken it aloud. In recent days, I sat with an amazing woman of God and, after asking her not to look at me because of how dirty and disgusted I felt, I made my mouth form and speak those words I had kept inside for so long. It. Was. So. Hard. Once the words were out, there was no taking them back and believe me when I said I panicked. I wondered how that friend thought of me and I wondered how I would ever look her in the eyes again, knowing she now knew the awful thing I had done. Thankfully, her kind heart never showed any judgment and she patiently loved me through my fears and insecurities that spilled out over the next couple of days. My God is so good!

 

In the Bible study I am doing with ladies from my church, we have been studying the first few books of Genesis. Although I have read the story of creation many times, I am seeing things I have never noticed before. God created this beautiful paradise for Adam and Eve to live in and enjoy and boy, did they blow it. Big time. In spite of the freedom and fellowship with Him He had offered, they were not satisfied and they wanted more. They wanted to be like Him so they ate from the one tree God commanded them not to. In the words of my former second graders: total epic fail! It blows me away that my God could have wiped them off the face of the earth and been done with man, choosing to just revel in His own creation for eternity. But He showed Adam and Eve grace beyond measure and, knowing they were ashamed of their nakedness, He made garments of skin to clothe them. Even when they made a huge choice that would affect all of humankind, He showed them incredible mercy and care.

 

I believe God opened my eyes for this truth to jump off the page at this particular moment in my faithful journey - HE DIDN'T WANT THEM TO FEEL SHAME! Did they deserve to be ashamed of their action? Yes, they most certainly did. Did I deserve to be ashamed of my actions? I would say yes, others would say no. But the only opinion that matters is that of my Savior. And He covers my shame. Fully and completely. With Him, it is a non-issue. I have experienced such freedom in claiming this truth! I will walk with my head held a little higher and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders because my God loves me more than I can ever grasp. For the first time in many, many years I am shameLESS!