Off My Meds

Depression. No, scrap that. Major depression. It's been over twelve years since I was given this diagnosis. After a very thorough exam, my amazing Christian doctor came to this conclusion, and I started meds right away. Once we got the dose right, I could definitely tell a difference. After living in such a dark place for so long, it was a blessing to have some relief and start to see the goodness in life again. That little tan pill was a lifesaver!

Over the past several weeks, however, I have tapered myself off the meds. The decision to do so didn't come lightly. I had considered a few times before, but it seemed life would get crazy or sad or confusing and I would be glad I stayed on them. Recently, however, I started to wonder if some of the more 'positive' emotions of life were being muted. During the process of publishing my book this past year, I had a lot of people ask if I was excited. I mean, I was in awe that it was finally happening and amazed at how quick it came together, but excited? That giddy emotion that causes one to squeal when something big happens? Nope, none of that. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I got experienced that emotion. There is so much joy and goodness in my life, and I have been blessed beyond anything I could ever deserve or imagine, but excited? I just don't find myself in that place often. I also recently wrote this blog and afterwards, had all kinds of people telling me how beautiful and loved I was. I wanted to bask in the glow of their kind words, I really did, but all I felt inside was a blank emptiness. No thankfulness, no love - nothing. I even texted a friend that night and asked her to pray as I was tempted to cut just to feel something, anything. Again, God has blessed me with such joy and good in my life, but happy is not a word I would often use to describe myself. Joyful? Absolutely. Happy? Not so much. 

After a text to the same doctor who diagnosed me (she has since moved out of state), she said muting of more positive emotions at the expense of not experiencing the bad was something other patients of hers had noticed as well. So I began the process of cutting back the dosasge. This morning I swallowed that final pill. Given the huge career change about to happen in my life and all the changes it will bring with it in the coming weeks and months, I have definitely questioned the timing of this decision. But it's like I told a friend last night, there will never be a 'good' time to try it as life will always have it's crapstorms!

Now comes the process of deciphering what is normal emotions/reactions to things that happen and what could be depression. The reality is - I feel things deeply. I often have big emotions and reactions when it comes to the negative. Painful things that others don't even blink an eye over leave my heart aching and tears below the surface. The hard things of life that others seem to so easily accept and live with can get me down for days. I've been that way ever since I was a little girl. I remember often wondering what was wrong with me that I would be so devastated over events or circumstances that others accepted so easily. 

It will definitely be a prayer-filled journey as I navigate the near future. I am in a much different place in my life than I was when I first got the diagnosis. I am better about reaching out for help and giving a voice to my thoughts rather than keep them inside and that gives me hope. My faith has also grown and matured over this past decade and I know that will make a difference as well. Not that I am in any way implying that taking medication for depression shows a weakness of faith or lack of trust in God. Not at all. It's a brain chemistry issue, not a faith issue. So pray for me if you think about it and check back to see how the journey is going!!