Two Sizes Too Big

 In recent days, I have learned some hard truths about someone I considered a friend, and a good friend at that. From the time I met her, I knew this friend held things close to her heart and didn't let many people in, but I believed myself to be one of the few she truly let her guard down with. This friend was, as she always put it, Jesus with skin on in my life and even though we had only known each other a few years, I let her into some hard places in my own life and showed her some parts of me that I don't easily share with others. So to be completely blindsided by her recent choices has been incredibly confusing, leaving my heart hurting something fierce, and it has been just as painful has been to see the pain her choices have inflicted on others. As I've talked with friends she and I have in common, they all say they noticed a change in her behavior and personality the past few months and knew something was up. I had no clue. Absolutely none. Sure, she seemed a little distant but like I mentioned earlier, she held things close and didn't let a lot of people in very often so I didn't think much of it. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

I've learned some hard things about myself in all of this. First, I am loyal to a fault and that's not necessarily a good thing. When the information coming in, I was very quick to fiercely defend this friend, and was on her side 100% even though details were scarce and seemed a little 'off'. But after learning some of the unfortunate facts, I feel completely foolish and duped. Even now, there's a part of me that expects her to show up at my door or shoot me a text and say, "No, no. Let me explain" and tell me things are not at all as they look. I've even dreamt about that. Sadly, after talking with reliable friends who have even more facts than I do, the likelihood of that happening seems pretty unlikely. 

Second, in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, the Grinch's heart started out two sizes too small. I'm learning mine may be two sizes too big and again, that's not necessarily a good thing. See, I'm that friend. The friend who will call one more time after realizing she's the only one in a friendship that calls. The friend who will text and ask how she can pray for a friend even though that friend has never once asked how they can pray for her. The friend who will continue to encourage a friend even when that encouragement isn't always reciprocated. Because even though there are days I am weary of seemingly always being the friend that gives, there are more days when it drives me crazy NOT to pour into my friendships. That's just how my heart beats. This may be hard to believe, but before I came to know Jesus, I was a pretty bitter and pessimistic person. I guess this is just proof that God has changed my heart and even when it's incredibly painful, I would rather my heart be two sizes too big than two sizes too small.